An Interview with Brad Hambrick, Author of Transformative Friendships

 

An Interview with Brad Hambrick, Author of Transformative Friendships Building meaningful friendships can be difficult, especially in a culture that is lonelier and more disconnected than ever. In Transformative Friendships: 7 Questions to Deepen Any Relationship, counselor Brad Hambrick encourages readers to develop new rhythms, habits, and lifestyles that will shape and grow their relationships, both with casual acquaintances and closer friends.   Q: Transformative Friendships explores seven questions that you believe can deepen any relationship. What are those seven questions? Hopefully, it’s not intimidating to imagine yourself asking a friend these questions, or being asked them by a friend. In Transformative Friendships, we unpack how these simple questions can transform casual acquaintances into “iron sharpens iron” (Proverbs 27:17) friendships that become dearer than family. 1.     What’s your story? 2.     What’s good? 3.     What’s hard? 4.     What’s bad? 5.     What’s fun? 6.     What’s stuck? 7.     What’s next? Q: Three of these questions seem to link together—What’s good? What’s hard? What’s bad? Why are each of these questions important and how do they each help in deepening our friendships? From a Christian perspective, this invites us to explore our identity in Christ (what’s good), suffering (what’s hard), and sin (what’s bad). If different Christian traditions, one of these questions may be emphasized more than the others. But if friendships are going to have a holistic and balanced influence on our life, then we need emphasize all three. Q: Is it better to have a few really close friends or many more casual friends? That’s a good question, but I think it’s better not to think in terms of either-or. There are benefits of having really close friendships, but if all our friendships were “deep” that would be exhausting and crowd out other life responsibilities. Casual friendships also enrich our life, but if all our friendships were “shallow” we would feel lonely in a socially crowded life. One of the things I want to do in Transformative Friendships is help people see the value of both and learn how to be intentional in taking a few of their casual friendships to a deeper level.

Q: What are some of the factors that make having good friendships harder than it should be? This can vary from context to context. I currently live in a big city where people move in and out all the time. The frequency with which people move make friendships feel temporary. But I grew up in a small town where being vulnerable felt riskier because everyone there would know you for the rest of your life. There is also the factor of social media. Social media allows us to polish our image as we post the best pictures and narrate them in our preferred way. Because of this, lots of people know a lot about us, but we don’t really feel known. We put our curated information about ourselves, but that can impedes cultivating an actual relationship because of the limited engagement. I’m not against social media. I just think we need to be more aware of how it impacts what we call a “friend.” Q: As you’ve served as a counselor and worked to create church-based counseling models, what have you learned about people’s reliance on counseling over friendship? For many people, they begin to rely on counseling as a friend-substitute. Counseling is where they are “real” and talk about what’s “hard.” They think if they’re engaging in counseling (which I’m all for) that friendships can just focus on what is “fun” and “good.” The result is that their friendships become more superficial. Ideally, in my opinion, when counseling is needed it would be a place to learn to talk about and tame the hard parts of life in a way that makes those subjects more approachable in their closer friendships. An indication that someone is ready to graduate from counseling is when he or she feels like they can talk about their hardships in their friendships. Q: How does Transformative Friendships fit into the Church-Based Counseling series that you have written? The Church-Based Counseling series is primarily about helping churches create counseling ministries that are relationally sustainable, liability wise, and church compatible. But I didn’t want churches to think, “Now that we have a counseling ministry, that is where we send all the hurting people.” That would make the church less of what God intends it to be. Transformative Friendships is meant to be a resource that strengthens friendships in a church. That should serve a counseling ministry, if a church chooses to create one, in two ways. First, it helps those who are reaching out for counseling not to over rely on counseling. A counseling ministry cannot and should not privatize discipleship. Second, it creates a relational context for those receiving counseling that makes counseling more effective.  Q: In the book, you offer exercises for each of the seven questions that can fit in the rhythms of church life. Could you share some examples of those? Playing Good Gotcha: What if on the anniversary of someone joining a small group or ministry team, we took time to affirm the good things we’ve seen in their life over the last year? It would be a simple practice that wouldn’t take that long, but it communicates: we’re glad you’re here, we remember when you came, and we’ve noticed how you’ve grown. That’s powerful. Making the “Not that Bad” Phone Call: Every counselor, car mechanic, and pain management specialist has the same complaint about their clientele; namely, they wait until things are “that bad” to call. Who do we call before things are that bad? A friend. Transformative Friendships calls on people to develop the kind of friendships where they would do this. Imagine the heartache we could avoid if we did this. Q: Why is it important for our deepest friendships to be developed within the church? It is important, in part, because it is a matter of Christian obedience. The New Testament, depending on your preferred translation, has thirty to forty “one another” commands. Friendship with other believers is where we obey these commands. A friendless Christian is someone who has failed to put themselves in the position to obey these commands. Another reason is that the church is a logical place to develop friendships. It is a place of shared values and frequent rhythms of interaction. We have small groups and ministry teams. We have families with children the same age and who go to the same schools. We have people who have lived in that city who can orient those who just moved to the area. It is not just a matter of obedience; it should be natural if we give people enough structure to be intentional.

Q: One of the hardest questions to answer, even among good friends is: What’s next? Why is it important to talk about our dreams not just with our close friends, but with all of our friends? God made us for a purpose. So much of life begins to feel like we’re just executing day-to-day tasks. When this happens, like feels mundane and purposeless. Talking about our goals and dreams, even just exploring possibilities if we don’t know what our next dream is, is a great way to prevent life from feeling meaningless. Our friends, of a variety of depths, are going to be the people cheering us on as we pursue those dreams. Q: For each question, you provide five depths a friendship can move toward. Using the question, “What’s next?”, can you walk us through what these five depths would look like? We want our friendships to grow deeper. Early depths are achievable for casual friendships. Enjoy these early depths. Don’t rush them. But do begin moving some of your friendships to greater depths that can have a more meaningful impact on your life. ·       Depth One: The dreams that got you here. We can usually tell our life story through a series of goals. ·       Depth Two: The dream you’re working on. If I’m going to come alongside you in a meaningful way, I need to know what you’re working on. ·       Depth Three: The dream that is fading. A lot of maturity is letting go of some dreams. We know people who never got over high school or college. We know marriages that failed because they didn’t know what it meant to let young love mature. ·       Depth Four: The dream for the next season of life. Because the next season of life is unknown, it is always a mixture of scary and exciting. We should acknowledge that and invite people on that journey. ·       Depth Five: The dream you’re afraid to say. Big dreams won’t happen unless they’re spoken. Be more afraid not to try that you are afraid to fail. Q: You write, “This book is not a recipe for meaningful relationships. Instead, it’s a melody for friendships that can transform your life.” What do you mean by that? Having seven questions with five levels of depth each can sound mechanical. You don’t build friendships like you stack Legos following the instructions to create what’s on the cover of the box. The seven questions are intended for you to always have something to talk about. The five levels are meant to help you identify what area of a friendship is least developed and allow you to be intentional. If you have that level of awareness, go with where the conversation takes you. As musically inept as I am, I know a bit about jazz. With jazz, there is no sheet music, no lined chart with notes for each musician to follow. Instead, each musician riffs off the melody and adapts to the other musicians in the band. That’s what makes jazz feel more alive than other styles of music. Even the same song, played by the same musicians, is different each time. Your friendships will flourish the most if you treat these seven questions like the melody for a jazz band rather than the Lego instructions. Q: In the closing section, you talk about a couple of indicators that show when a friendship is growing imbalanced. What are those indicators and how does your book help us to avoid them? Does every relationship have to be a friendship? There are two ways friendships should be balanced: knowledge and investment. In a balanced friendship, our awareness of each other’s life is proportional and our investment in the relationship is also proportional. It may not be 50-50, but if it’s 80-20, it’s not a friendship, it is a helping relationship by the wrong name. There is nothing wrong with helping relationships. I’m a counselor and enjoy being in that role. But I don’t rely on my counselees to be my friends. I know their stories better than they know mine, and I’m supporting them. I respect and admire my counselees. But because the relationship isn’t balanced (and it shouldn’t be), it is not friendship. In church circles, there are often many sweet Christians who get burned out because they are calling imbalanced relationships “friendships.” It is important for people to understand, if a relationship is not reciprocating, it is not a friendship. It may still be worth cultivating, but it needs to be surrounded by reciprocating relationships in order for it to be sustainable for the “responsible friend.” Q: You also talk about friendships with non-Christians. How does Transformative Friendships help us think through these relationships in a way that creates opportunities to invite our non-Christian friends to consider Christianity? In many ways, it’s not that different from the rest of the book. But as we engage all of life (the seven questions) at a deeper level, we shouldn’t be able to talk about life at deeper levels without discussing our faith and the implications of the gospel. As we develop a more meaningful relationship with a non-Christian friend, we will gain more of a hearing from them. They will value our words and perspective more. We will be able to speak more specifically into their lives. Learning to be better friends should make us better disciplers with our Christian friends and evangelists with our non-Christian friends.

Transformative Friendships: 7 Questions to Deepen Any Relationship  Church Based Counseling Series By Brad Hambrick  Print ISBN: 978-1-64507-333-8 March 18, 2024 / Retail Price: $16.99 RELIGION/Christian Living/Personal Growth

Read a Preview

About the Author

Brad Hambrick, ThM, EdD, serves as the Pastor of Counseling at The Summit Church in Durham, NC. He also serves as Assistant Professor of Biblical Counseling at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary and is a council member of the Biblical Counseling Coalition He has authored several books, including God's Attributes: Rest for Life Struggles, Making Sense of Forgiveness, Angry with God, and the Church Based-Counseling series. Hambrick also served as general editor for the Becoming a Church that Cares Well for the Abused curriculum. Hambrick, his wife, Sallie, and their two sons live in Raleigh, NC.  Learn more about Brad Hambrick and follow his blog and podcasts at bradhambrick.com. He can also be found on Facebook (brad.hambrick.5), <a style="color:#f26631; font-style:normal; font-weight:400; text-decoration:underline; font-family:Poppins, "Helvetica N